To "B" or not to "B"

The question is have I chosen the best course of action? Was it sensible to fight for my good name while endeavouring to persuade my husband's creditors to see reason rather than succumb to the dreaded B word?

Having been sent an article in the Guardian today about someone who has made the decision to go bankrupt as a way of drawing a line under his debt problems  I can imagine his feelings of relief knowing his days of dealing with angry creditors and dodging their predatory phone calls are now numbered . He unlike me is now free to consider his future. However, for me, this route proved a distasteful, irresponsible and cowardly way in which to move on from the past. I have to add, as my husband, unlike me, appeared to attach no dishonour to bankruptcy himself.

My stance, however, has always been, once a discharged bankrupt, always a discharged bankrupt and I do not ever wish to acquire membership to this club. I hasten to add every professional adviser I have consulted has urged me to elect bankruptcy as a solution but from a purely financial perspective, I cannot understand the reasoning behind this. 

Why pay would I pay £1,200 (which I haven't got so would have to borrow) to achieve bankruptcy status for my husband and I personally, not to mention an additional equally substantial sum to achieve the same status for our company, when I can, if I keep my countenance, advise our creditors of the same sorry tale a receiver would have done, with virtually no financial outlay on my part at all, save the cost of stamp. I appreciate the task is not a pleasant one but isn't this what being a grown up is all about?

While this was the motivation at the start of my journey from hell, two and a half years on and I have identified another far more valid reason for continuing this fight. I have gained an insight into how underhand some money lenders can be and have discovered not only do they regularly flaunt their regulatory authority’s guidelines but are happy to ignore  government directives as well. and corresponding with them in a reasonable and professional manner provides them with the opportunity to put outrageous things in their responses and to my initial surprise this precisely what they do. 

For example, how else would I have discovered the Bank of Scotland openly discriminate against married women? Neither would I has guessed Lloyds Banking Group rarely reply to letters of complaint and on the few occasion they do they fail to respond appropriately because they regularly missunderstand the point. I would never have discovered Lloyd TSB were prepared to concoct a fictitious payment arrangement agreement with regard to my husband’s accounts. Neither would it have come to light Nat West would try to over ride a court decision on an unrecoverable debt by both sending payment demands themselves an enlisting the help of a debt collector.

Had I not chosen to engage in a communication battle with the banks I would have been, by default, condoning the banks tried and tested method of distancing themselves from their actions and neatly sweeping their irresponsible lending and unreasonable debt collecting practises under the carpet. I believe bankruptcy courts are another way to perpetuate a banking culture which is already rife with denial. With 8 out of 10 debt defaults pointlessly reaching the courts, not using the "B" word, and instead insisting the lenders communicate with me in person, I have acquired a voice, albeit a very small one and feel confident one day soon I shall be heard.

Talent spotting

As a mother of five and grandmother of six I am regularly asked questions which use all my cerebral powers to answer. This week’s question was, "How do you find your talent?" Having explained to the enquirer it is usually something which is revealed by trial and error, I found myself wondering if this has been true in my case.

I am frequently being told by friends who know what has happened to us if it wasn't for me, our lives would have been even more difficult. This only leaves me thinking," If it wasn't for him our lives could have been much less difficult." For this reason I have been left wondering what is it I have done and what is my talent?

Struggling to identify the answers to both of these questions because talent, like beauty, is more easily identified in the eye of the beholder, the question, for me remains, which beholder?  Finding it hard to reconcile any attributes with the words I heard from my husband when I made the decision to take over our financial affairs I am none the wiser.

• Where a friend would say I have been justifiably angry and upset, my husband declared I'd had a break down and completely lost the plot along with my hair.

• Where my doctor said she sees a strong and remarkable women who has stepped up to the mark in a crisis, my husband has seen a drama queen who has distanced herself from something she has played a substantial part in.

• Where our business bankers have described me as business like, and straightforward to deal with, my husband has seen me as short sighted, overly dramatic and a woman who has "become a caricature of herself".

• Where my solicitor has seen me as a facilitator of a seamless transition from a middle class stay at home mother and home owner, to tenant, landlady, business woman and one woman debt fighting crusader, my husband has seen a control freak who has kept all the kudos from our re-grouping success to herself.

• Where many of our creditors have seen me as professional, efficient and informative, my husband has complained I have been reactionary and unnecessarily quick to divulge personal information to enable me to have an opportunity to "slag him off".

• Where I have needed to be totally honest about our position in all my business dealings and in so doing have secured a roof over our heads, a modest income stream and bursaries for our children's education, my husband has only seen a women dinning out on our dirty washing.

• Where an Indian conman saw a woman who would not listen to his thinly disguised begging and bullying for cash flow assistance to secure my husband an amazing business deal, my husband sees a woman who has thwarted his chances of getting on by not being courageous enough to invest in him and his plans to save us.

• Where a builder who has been owed £40,000 for more than three years sees a woman who is not flinching or frightened when he arrives uninvited on her doorstep and speaks of his convictions for grievous bodily harm and his reluctance to see anyone put a claw hammer through her husband’s head, my husband sees a woman who drinks coffee with her friends and goes dog walking with neighbours when he is at work.

• Where the Citizens Advice Bureau see a determined woman who deserves extra funding to help her communicate with debt collection companies over her husband's enormous credit card debts, my husband sees a woman who has regained her leisurely lifestyle because all these issues were resolved years ago.

• Where my closest friends see a woman who has, against all odds, made the very best of a bad lot where her husband had failed for many years, my husband sees nothing he couldn't have done equally well, if not better, had he been given the chance.

• Where I have religiously answered every letter and phone call received endeavouring to explain our circumstances and asked people to write his debts off, my husband has complained that I am wasting time and energy communicating with creditors who don't deserve a reply.

• Where I have lain awake at night humiliated and shamed by our financial position, my husband has been amused by the fact the financial institutions have allowed him to borrow so much with so little supporting evidence.

• Where I have been horrified to discover my husband has shown creditors over our home behind my back and allowed them to list my personal possessions as security in the event of him defaulting, he has seen a woman who is over reacting to a scenario he said he had only agreed to in the knowledge it could not be enforced.

• Where my children see a woman who dealt with being held hostage in her home by verbally abusive Polish tradesmen by calling the police who arrived, en mass, in full riot gear with sub machine guns, my husband sees an issue which was not of his making that has already been dealt with, so needs no further discussion or comment.

If listing these circumstances has revealed any commendable qualities about about me I can only conclude they must have had something to do with my strong sense of honour in the face of adversity and my overwhelming need to overcome. Whether or not this is this a talent is to me irrelevant as, all I did was attempt to save my family by ensuring I kept my head when the world around me appeared to be losing theirs.

Me, myself and I

Having read through my postings again today, I think I may have given the impression I have been left by my husband to handle this mess on my own. It is most definitely not the case. Despite being advised we needed to sort our financial problems out together, I was unable to entertain this idea because I was devastated by the foolhardy and irresponsible actions of my husband and no longer trusted him to assist in rectifying anything.

I took the matter on myself and in so doing incensed my husband when I began the task of contacting all the people he owed to explain our position. He saw it as slagging him off and ruining our chances of recovery. I saw it as damage limitation.

Early on in my voyage of discovery I often wondered if I was doing the right thing. I was grappling with his mountain of unruly papers in an effort to acquire an understanding of all the things he had called business projects and single handedly making all the decisions with the help of impartial professionals. It would have been so much easier just to ask him some things but as I could not bring myself to trust the answers, I decided there was no point. My motto became "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me." 

The last straw came on the day he insisted I was destroying our last chance of recovery by not using the only remaining money we had to our name to do two things. He wished me to summit a planning application for the shell of a property he had built without planning permission, as well as pay for an Indian "friend" of his to fly out to his homeland to secure my husband an "amazing job". I refused to do both and instaed used the money to live on and move house when we had nothing.

I am pleased I resisted these instructions because, even with the full weight of our very supportive business bank behind us planning permission was never forthcoming despite the £120,000 which was spent on building the shell. In addition I later discovered  the Indian "friend "was a con man whom I eventually had to ask the police and my solicitor to deal with.

It was and still is a very lonely way to exist but I am convinced I need to go this alone if I am to effect a recovery of any kind. I, after all, have been to the school of "if you think it sounds too good to be true, it probably is" and my husband has not.

Because, in my dealings with our creditors, I have refused to hide behind my husband’s belief his actions have not been pivotal to our financial demise, I have had no alternative but  to close ranks and get on with the matter in hand without him. He has had any number of reasons for why it was the business his business failed and not him. These are some of them.

• The planners were misleading in their guidance whenever he approached them so  they always delayed things far more than he anticipated.
• The banks were unsupportive and never allowed him enough money to do a good job.
• He was always underfunded because of the banks and unforeseen circumstances.
• The right builders were never available when he needed them.
• He was always under pressure from me to deliver to a schedule and building work isn't like that.

·                        He  was forced to satisfy my ever increasing financial demands.

• He thought my permanent health cover would have paid out for longer than the two years it did.

·                         Our solicitors were always slow in the selling of our properties.

·                         Alternative solicitors did not know how to do the conveyancing properly              and caused more delays and more financial losses.

·                         He had brain damage from his car accident in 2002 and people (especially     me) should have been making allowances.

·                        His workers wouldn't work fast enough and kept making mistakes.

• He worked very hard for years and was undeserving of so much bad luck.
• I had never taken any interest in anything to do with the business.
• His tradesmen were disloyal and unhelpful.
• He had too many family and child related tasks to do.

 I continue to struggle with the need for all these excuses because I think life is full of difficulties for everyone and not just my husband. Having always believed it is how the individual chooses to overcome them that defines their success or failure, I have sadly learned the hard way, the most dangerous characteristic in any businessman is an over estimation of his own abilities.

For these reasons it’s now down to me, myself and I and of course my good friend Chris...... but there lies another story!

Mothers day

Two close friends have lost their mothers this year and it has made me realise how well mine is doing to still be here at fast approaching eighty five years old. It surprised me how compassionate she was when my world came crashing down around me as I had always thought she felt it unnecessary to offer me her support. But for this financial crisis I would perhaps never have got to know my mother in the way I do now and for this reason I am thankful that I have lived through this nightmare to tell this tale.

Reasons to be cheerful

It has been some time since I have taken stock because my focus has been on how to deal with what is constantly coming in. However, when I was lamenting the relentless creditor harassment to a friend, she quite rightly pointed out I need to remember how far I have come and celebrate the reasons I have to be cheerful. So here goes.

• Banca Caja, in Spain, agreed to sell our apartment to our tenant if he wishes. In the meantime tenancy laws allow him to stay on as their tenant. All we have to do now is hand over the keys and then they will pay all our legal costs and settle the outstanding community fees of more than 9,000 Euros. The bank also guaranteed they will write of the mortgage shortfall which currently stands at approx 50,000 Euros.

• Of the £446,000 credit card debt, £350,000 has now been written off on compassionate grounds by the banks themselves. Many thanks to HSBC, Barclays Bank, Barclaycard, HFC, Nat West Card Services, Royal Bank of Scotland, Bank of Scotland Card Services to name but a few.

• Most of the individual creditors of our business have either given up hoping for a change in circumstances or written off the £75,000 owed to them for materials and labour. Those who haven't will shortly be informed again there are no funds with which to pay them when I wind up company in three months time. Most of those concerned have been sorry to see our demise on the basis of " there but for the grace of God go I."

• The last remaining asset of our company was sold at auction on Friday for the meagre amount of £36,000 which falls a long way short of the outstanding debt secured against it. The sale frees me from my financial obligation to demolish this four bedroom house my husband risked building  four years ago without planning permission.

• Heritable Bank have advised me it is their intention to write off the £150,000 shortfall on the business property they have just sold.

• Now the assets of our company have been sold I will soon be at liberty to be wind up the company itself. This will mean I no longer have to spend hours trying to produce company accounts and returns (which have, for the past three years, totalled losses of £300,000 or more) in an effort avoid penalties.

• The Debt Advisory Service and my solicitor both say that I have a case against the Bank of Scotland for breach of FSA and Government guidelines because they forced the sale of our home and created a £217,000 shortfall rather than exploring other alternatives when our arrears of £27,000 were only a fraction of the deficit we got landed with.

·        The Equal Opportunities Commission feel I might well have a case against the Bank of Scotland for discriminating against me purely because I am married. They have provided me with a contact to pursue this action.

• The CAB believe my case may prove useful to them when offering training to their debt counselling volunteers. I have been asked if they can call on me to speak at training sessions.

• The hire purchase company who financed our car have respond to my letter explaining our circumstances. They have rewritten our agreement at a level we can now afford so I no longer have to fear being stranded without trnasport because of repossession.

It seems an hour of contemplation has produced many stories of success on my part so my friend was correct when she said I should focus on my reasons to be cheerful. Thank you B, I can see now my cup is definitely half full. Here's to the day it "spilleth over"!

Fame and no Fortune

I have been told by four separate professionals over the past two weeks I need to take my plight to the press and shame the "non listening" banks into seeing persecuting me is not going to be a lucrative pastime. I am not a "won't pay" just a "can't pay" and the banks themselves should fully understand the difference having only recently been bailed out, big time, themselves by the tax payer. I am sure going to the press is the right action to take because, if nothing else, it will create an opportunity to increase consumer awareness of the banks ongoing bully boy tactics and double standards. However, the idea of involving the media fills me with trepidation as I still carry a huge burden of guilt.

I fear the media may decide to add to my plight if they believe, as did a fair few people at the time, I must have known what my husband was up to but just chose to turn a blind eye to it so I could continue to enjoy a comfortable life style. After all, I am a retired financial services professional who should have recognised I was married to a man who was incapable of producing the returns he spoke of.
Not a  day goes by without me wondering if I did, indeed, fool myself into ignoring the writing on the wall. I still continue to rack my brain for clues I should have spotted which may have led to me having an earlier understanding of the reckless course he had set for us. My only defence is love must have made me blind as I did not even suspect he had or even could acquire forty four credit cards. It did not occur to me he would consider committing to, or indeed be allowed to commit to, interest payments of £25,000 per month. I had no idea a quite sensitive man such as he was capable of such madness because I trusted him implicitly and his explanations to any questions I asked were articulate and oh so plausible.

I know the time to act is nigh because I have exhausted all other avenues but I can only hope I will sound half as plausible as my husband did to me when I approach the media for their help.

Getting by with a little help from my friends

I have always known a crisis reveals who your friends are but nothing could have prepared me for the kindness I have been shown over the past few years.  So many people from all different walks of life have helped and continue to help in spite of us having no financial way of repaying them. These are just some of the things which have touched my heart and helped to keep me whole.

• Within days of finding out we were to be homeless five people offered us somewhere to live. These offers came completely unsolicited through friends of friends and each and every one of them provided us with a comforting solution when we had nothing.

• The auctioneer I instructed to price and sell our possessions was adamant I should think carefully before disposing of everything. He insisted I was the kind of person who would bounce back. Because I shared with him an idea I had had, he tracked down the owner of a house he knew of which would both house our furniture and be large enough to accommodate a bed and breakfast business. This act of selfless kindness enabled us to move into a place we could  immediately call home, surrounded by our own furniture and minimised my children's sense of loss at the prospect of loosing all things familiar. In doing this my auctioneer forfeit all his commission as I was no longer faced with having to sell everything I owned but his actions gave me the opportunity to generate an income which      supported us while my husband was without work and allowed us to take a huge initial step towards re-establishing ourselves. 

• Our landlord's agreed to substantially reduce our rent and allow us to have lodgers in their property as a way of making it affordable for us to stay. They also agreed to take personal references from local people who had known us for years instead of the usual bank and credit references which all the agencies I had spoken to insisted upon. They took us on in the full knowledge of our dire financial circumstances and have always treated us more like family than tenants.

• The headmistress of my children's school called me into her office to ask me to accept her help and support both personally and professionally through our difficult times. She hugged me and said I should take pride in the knowledge my children were happy and faring well in spite of our financial difficulties. Her kind words helped me focus on the fact our traumas had not impacted badly on the children and helped me be a little less hard on myself.

• The Bursar of my son's school rang and wrote on more than one occasion kindly offering the schools financial support in providing my son's future education. He repeatedly told me I should feel no shame in accepting the help they were happy to be able to provide in our time of crisis and in so doing helped me feel better about accepting their offer.

• The account manager at Mortgage Express who dealt with me in a compassionate and sympathetic way throughout and in so doing helped us reach an acceptable outcome which saved my daughter’s home.

• The HSBC executive who lived up to their claim of being the "listening bank". He read my letters, collected the evidence of our financial demise and not only wrote off the sums we owed directly to HSBC but also arranged the write off of all the loans HSBC managed totalling £90,000. He wished us well for the future and said he hoped his actions would play a small part in our recovery.

• The kind words from Barclays and Barclaycard were humane and restorative in nature when they informed me they did not plan to pursue our debts. They gave me evidence early on not all banks wanted to punish and bully us for not being able to repay them.

• Our friends in Spain brought all our furniture back to us in England free of charge so we could set ourselves up for taking in lodgers without incurring any costs. They found us a buyer for our apartment and liaised with all parties to make the purchase possible. It spread my work and worry load at a time when it would have not been possible to retain any control at arm’s length. They enabled us to make the best of a bad lot and have continue to be kind and supportive in spite of the distance between us.

• Very real compassion came from the two estate agents who were jointly instructed to provide a forced sale buyer within a matter of days. They both treated me with genuine kindness throughout and have willingly helped me wherever they could. It made a very undignified exit from our dream home as bearable as it could be.

• Our accountant to whom we owed a considerable sum wrote off our debt to him saying he wanted to do it as repayment for the support I had offered him when he first set up in business on his own twenty years previously.  His words helped me retain my self esteem when accepting his generous and charitable solution to the nonpayment of his fees.

• Our business account manager at Heritable Bank held my hand for two and a half years while he supported and guided me through the sale of our business assets. He endured my naivety at every turn with both patience and empathy while readily offering his much valued expertise whenever I needed it.  I shall miss his clear thinking, quick wit and kind words when this is all over.

• My caseworker at the CAB secured an increased budget so he could write endless letters on my behalf for more than a year and a half to all our creditors. It was at a time when I was too overwrought to do it myself and his actions helped me keep my sanity by gaining respite from the bombardment, accusations and bully boy tactics of the banks.

• A school friend that I have known for 42 years emailed me jokes regularly because she didn't want me to be without the opportunity to laugh. This became my ready remedy when I felt panic ridden and it helped me to refocus when things were getting to me.

• A neighbour rang out of the blue to invite me out to lunch and to a fashion show, all expenses paid, because she thought it would do me good.

• Retired friends who moved to France invited us to visit on mass (5 of us) for a weeks all expenses paid stay in their lovely home because they wanted to give me some distance from the onslaught.

• The Inland Revenue and Corporation Tax people who have spent two years helping me unravel my husbands tax anomalies have been kind and sympathetic in their dealings with me. They have put up with my lack of tax knowledge and guided me patiently towards a satisfactory conclusion which I now understand.

• Family have regularly checked up on us making sure we are OK when picking up the phone to them or visiting was beyond me. They have given us holidays and lunches out, bought many a item for our children and just generally made sure we know we are loved and they are thinking of us.

• I could list many, many more examples of acts of kindness which have come our way all of which have enabled me to hang on to the belief that one day there would be life after debt.  However, there are two friends who deserve a special mention because they made the decision to step up to the mark, full time, when I needed them most. The time they spent with me and the wisdom they shared helped me save my family life, my marriage and my sanity not to mention help me deal with our creditors. Both of them originally came into my life on a commercial basis and have, since my "Grand Opening" in October 2008, freely spent hours of their time and energy listening (often daily) encouraging  and supporting me when the shock of my discoveries would not allow me to retain a grasp of our situation on my own. The first lady I have known for 25 years  and the second I have known for little more than 25 months but without these two friends I know I would have completely lost the plot, perhaps for good. Thank you JS and CJ. How can I ever repay you?

Now, on good days, I realise I was wrong to think I would never recover from the shame I felt when I discovered I had become a debtor. Instead I can see I actually have much to be thankful for and many people not only wish us well but have been happy to do something to help us in our hour of need. I also believe it is quite possible I would have remained completely unaware of the kindly abundance that flows freely from our fellowmen but for the crisis I and my family have lived through over the past few years. Rather surprisingly, I find I actually feel richer now than I have ever felt at any other time during my 53 years and yet now I have no money and we still owe £1,000,000.