Brave Hearts

American journalist and author Mignon McLaughlin once said, “Even cowards can endure hardship; only the brave can endure suspense” and yet for those locked in financial hardship as a result of the economic crisis, suspense has remained the regime of each and every day.  

For the individual, the cavalry never came and instead government talk has continued to prove cheap. Austerity measures have been relentless and the current penchant for saving the perpetrators of the financial crisis instead of the victims has left the very people who were responsible for economic pillaging obscenely rewarded and at liberty to defend their infinitely valuable contribution to a financial future they have completely obliterated for the rest of us.

Well versed in the unchecked practices of the banking fraternity at home in the UK, it is has proved unremarkable to discover the tentacles of corporate corruption have also been busy feathering elitist nests in Spain. However, with an estimated one hundred and twenty six billion dollar euro taxpayer funded bailout in the offing, the Catalan parliament has finally seen fit to set up a committee to investigate long standing allegations of banking malpractice. These claims in include multi million euro payoffs to senior banking executives just before their banks collapsed, “hundreds of millions of loans to executives, board members and their families” and 50% executive pay increases when profits were barely 7%. Arsenio Escolar, editor of 20 Minutos believes, “If we really knew the truth about Bankia and the other Cajas, the two big parties-the People’s party and the Socialists- would explode”.

Unsurprised to discover a great many actions under investigation are those of Bankia with whom I have held a now substantially underwater mortgage for the past eight years, I remain unsure if reported levels of financial fraud are pivotal to the  manner in which they have dealt with me or merely a product of it. Either way, I remained unable to fathom why Banca Caja which now trades as Bankia and is reputed to be desperately in need of funding, has made no effort to communicate with me for a very long time.

During the past four years they have:

• Refused to allocate the payments we made into our account to cover our mortgage 
• Ignored all my communications asking why
• Refused to allow me to sell our apartment to a very keen cash purchaser 
• Ignored all my purchasers efforts to progress this sale.  
• Refused to discuss interest only loan restructuring to make us tenanting our property viable in the long term
• Ignored all correspondence from all parties on the subject including solicitors 

In addition, I am reliably informed that not only will I not be pursued for the inevitable shortfall on the sale of our Spanish property when Bankia eventually get round to it, all outstanding bills relating to it (currently 12,000 euros and rising) will also be covered by the bank in accordance with Spanish property law.

While I am naturally delighted to enjoy one less instance of suspense about which I must be brave, I can only assume operating in this manner may well result in a one hundred and twenty six billion euro bailout proving vastly insufficient to secure the rescue of an economic money pit of this magnitude. Furthermore, despite widespread belief that money talks, I suspect the people of Spain are about to find out, as have those of us enduring the purgatory of the economic crisis elsewhere that no matter how large the bailout, all money will ever say to the individual is,

 “Good-bye.”

Sink or Swim

In the mid 1800’s American activist, journalist and abolitionist William Lloyd Garrison said, “You cannot possibly have a broader base for government than that which includes all the people with all their rights and with an equal power to maintain their rights.” He was speaking in support of the emancipation of slaves at the time and, although I do not pretend to claim the banking crisis is equal in abhorrence to the plight of the twelve million Africans who were sold into slavery between the sixteenth and nineteenth centuries, there are definitely parallels.

Like the slave traders, there are a number of bankers worldwide who have pursued personal gain with no regard for the pain and suffering levied on others. When those enslaved by debt could no longer afford their mortgages, often as result of austerity related job losses, these bankers threw them out of their homes along with their families without a backward glance. Having systematically asset stripped the global economy to line their own pockets, this very same fraternity has maintained an aloof detachment from the cruelty their psychopathic and narcissistic actions have had on their victims. Masterfully in denial of all culpability, they have stood by while millions of homeowners (forecasters predict twenty five million foreclosures in the US alone) had both their livelihoods and their equity removed from their grasp with a single expertly placed blow.

Shackled indefinitely to mortgage shortfalls as a direct result of bank profiteering, and bullied and beaten by the banks henchmen, the individual is also expected to pay the price of the global economic crisis. In contrast the bankers are still enjoying remunerations of up to 500 hundred times that of the national average earnings. For many of those trapped in debt sentences for life, emancipation is unimaginable and with debt forgiveness out of the question, it is little wonder there has been a 36% increase in the suicide rate. Even more staggering, this figure by far exceeds the 21% increase in suicides during the Great Depression of the 1930s.

Throughout the years of financial crisis help for those paying the consequences has definitely not been at hand. The UK government and their regulators have paid little more than lip service to the much needed rescue packages promised to those experiencing mortgage distress while news of a further drop in share price for many of the “too big to fail” UK banks following the announcement of two billion dollars in losses at “too complicated to control”JP Morgan only serves to highlight how little has changed since the onset of the global recession.

While the Greeks and the Spanish struggle to reach any solution at all, newly elected French prime minister, Francoise Hollande may well have had the task firmly in his sights when he stated, “My principal adversary has no name, it has no face, and it does not belong to a political party, it has never presented its candidature and has never been elected but it still governs. This adversary is the world of finance” but, encouraging as his words are, he too has yet to deliver.

However, in the US, it appears the tide may at last be turning.

Distressed homeowners with underwater mortgages and more than two months of arrears are to receive aid in the form of principal reduction in an effort to enable them to stay in their homes. After year long government negotiations the banks in question hope to avoid 850 million dollars of penalties by financing a rescue package for the individual which not only avoids the huge costs and the heartache of foreclosure, but helps those in difficulties get back on their feet. Although some would say the twenty five billion dollars set aside to implement this is still not enough and the banks have, once again, got off lightly, it is a far cry from the heartless foreclosure policies of the UK’s banking industry.

Delighted to hear our American cousins are soon to benefit from the support of a government prepared to take some of their errant bankers to task, I cannot help but wonder why a similar settlement has proved impossible to arrange for sufferers of negative equity mortgages here in the UK. Had this been the case when I was in the grips of repossession at the hands of HBOS, my story would have been very different to that which I tell now.

Thomas Jefferson, third president of the United States once said, “When people fear the government there is tyranny: when the government fear the people there is liberty” and hearing these words I am left wondering what future can we in the UK can expect when it blatantly obvious that our government lives in fear of the banks.                                                                                                               

Tears and Fears

It is said, "Tears are the words the heart cannot express" but after three long years in my role of one woman debt fighter, tears alone could no longer express the way I felt about the position I found myself in. Consumed with a passion to keep my family whole while covertly facing hundreds of thousands of pounds of my husbands business debt regularly left me void of a means with which to express my grief, my fear and my frustration. When I started my blog, I had no ingenious plan for what I would write nor had I a clearly defined objective.  I was purely driven by an over whelming desire to express words from the heart in a way which had proved impossible to relay by any other method.  

As the months passed, my writing began to focus on the trials and tribulations of living in the aftermath of our outstanding financial obligations and the impact it had on every facet of my life. Publishing my posts in the public domain, although daunting at first, has been a wholly uplifting experience with moments of pure glee if someone new signs up “to follow” or something I have written evokes a comment. I have even received valuable snippets of information aiding my cause and these small votes of confidence have not only supported my resolve but also encouraged me to persevere with my battle. For this I am truly grateful.  

Knowing obstacles are only observed by those who take their eyes off the goal, writing about my desire to keep my family together has kept this vital objective firmly fixed in my sights while blogging about issues with our creditors has not only helped me remain focused on the tasks ahead but aided my understanding that being happy does not mean life is perfect. It simply means you’ve decided to look beyond the imperfections. However, blogging about the effects of debt on my marriage has been completely different.

Constructing sentences which describe how I feel has been an outlet for a grief I have been unable to express even with tears. My reaction to my husband's deceit has been the mother of all elephants in our room for the past three years and blogging about our lives together has helped create a picture of clarity for me while enjoying the observational detachment of a writer.  It has also enabled me to realise that, as well as battling the banks and refusing to allow my children’s lives to be contaminated by debt, I have also been fighting to save my marriage. However, what I have been completely unaware of is, my husband now knows this because he too has been reading my posts and, just as my writing has helped with so many other aspects of my life, I believe reading my words from the heart have done him, and us, nothing but good.

I believe one should never give up on something which is impossible to go a whole day without thinking about. This has certainly proved the case for me with respect to my children, my marriage and my writing and, because of the immense challenges I now have to face on a daily basis, I have also discovered, in the words of Oscar Wilde, “Ordinary riches can be stolen; real riches cannot because in your soul there are infinitely more precious things that cannot be taken from you”. Because of my blog and in spite of the ongoing persecution I am still subject to from Halifax Bank Of Scotland and Lloyds TSB Banking Group, I now find, not only do I have an elephant free marriage, but I also have something infinitely more precious.

The riches I now enjoy can never be stolen.

High Anxiety

While EU politicians deliberate over how best to prop up the Italian economy's 1.8 trillion euro debt mountain, a Tuscany vine yard owner told Ian Fraser “all that matters is family, good wine, good food and sex” and having recently read former Chief Executive of HBOS, Andy Horby has decided to take time off from corporate life, I am beginning to wonder if it is because he too shares the Tuscan vineyard owner’s views.

According to Rupert Steiner in the Mail online, Hornby has experienced a tense five years from which he has required a much needed four month stress free break before make a career move into gambling, this time at the helm of Coral the bookmakers. To facilitate this, former employer Alliance Boots, the firm behind Boots the Chemist, has seen fit to make him a payout of ”£842,000 in salary, a £750,000 bonus, a £337,000 pension payment plus £41,000 in other benefits” on his departure. In addition the firm’s accounts also reveal Hornby was paid an additional £450,000 as compensation for not being allowed to join a rival health care company where he would have been at liberty to divulge Boots secrets.

It is said Andy Hornby is in need of a "sabbatical" because he has been “a worried man who cannot concentrate on anything” and having suffered from extreme levels of debt related stress throughout the last few years myself, I can certainly appreciate exactly how this feels. However although the nation is understandably still up in arms with regard to Hornby’s contribution to the collapse of HBOS and the cost of the subsequent government rescue, my question is not directly related to this. Instead I wish to know about what it is that Andy Hornby has been worrying?

·        Is it the worry of a guilty man who is hoping he will not be discovered and, like some former HBOS employees, face the consequences with a prison sentence?

·        Is it the worry of a bought man who is between a rock and hard place because his silence has been purchased?

·        Is it the worry of a patriotic man who wishes he hadn’t played a part in bringing this country to its economic knees?

·        Or maybe, it is the worry of a man who knows I, and many more like me, have lost their homes, their health and their livelihoods as direct a result of risk management policies he supported.

Of course, I cannot begin to guess the real trigger for Andy Hornby’s worries, but in the unlikely event the latter is true, then, as far as I am concerned, absolution is simple. If Andy Hornby would just tell someone of influence in his “ old boy’s” net work that I genuinely have no means with which to repay a mortgage shortfall of £217,000 which was created by HBOS unnecessarily requesting the forced  sale of my home in 2008, I might be able to get agreement to a write off and then I could enjoy some much needed stress free time myself. 

Assuming Mr Hornby could help me get his HBOS successors to listen, I would happily forgive him the legacy of financial persecution he left behind for me when he ran for hills leaving my family and I to suffer the consequences of his board’s reckless policies towards lending and heartless directives for the people caught up in its aftermath.Unfortunately I cannot speak for the many other individuals who have suffered at the hands of an HBOS led by Andy Hornby. However, my philosophy has always been to endeavour to consume ones elephants a little bit at time and helping me could well be the first mouthful of redeeming humble pie and absolution for the allegedly stress troubled Mr Hornby as he takes up the reins in another career based on a gamble.

They say love looks forward, hate looks back and anxiety has eyes all over its head. Having been in the grips of anxiety over the welfare of my family’s future since the very beginning of the economic downturn I have come to believe worry is most definitely interest paid on trouble due before it arrives. If this is the case  I can only hope Andy Hornby’s pockets are very deep.

Learning curves

They say that you should learn everything you can from anyone you can because there will always come a time when you need it. Today I couldn’t agree more as I reflect on just how far I have come since first finding out about my husband’s debts all but three years ago.

Having recently returned home from a much needed holiday from my debt fighting duties and chairmanly responsibilties of our recent school Summer Ball, I am now firmly back in harness again on all fronts.

It appears, while I was away, there has been some fallout from the Friends fund raising efforts following our Summer Ball.

·        Our treasurer forgot to pay some of our service providers for the Ball before departing for her holiday abroad

·        The Head’s wife is unhappy that the “thank yous” to all concerned have not been sent out sooner

·        The caterers feel aggrieved that they had to tender for our business  rather than having “cart blanche” to agree their remuneration without commercial comparisons as per previous years.

Whereas once I would have been instantly on the phone to make sure everyone was consoled by me personally and ensured every situation was resolved to the best of my ability regardless of my own energy levels and time constraints, on this occasion I have,

·         Expressed my sympathy to the lady handling the unhappy creditors in the treasure's absence but left her to handle the situation

·         Put an all encompassing “thank you” in the school magazine, without consultation with anyone, to keep the head's wife happy

·         Emailed the caterers to ask them for an appointment in September to discuss next year’s booking in the hope that they redirect their focus to securing future business rather than lamenting their treatment in the past.

In my absence, the postman has also served up a generous helping of debt fighting hassle,

     ·     Merrels Ede have written to explain themselves in a way that is nothing short
          of peculiar

·       Lloyds Bank have demanded I repay their outstanding balance in full and asked again if I wish all future correspondence to be in Braille

·        The Financial Ombudsman has done a complete about turn with regard to my complaint against the Bank of Scotland and written to say she cannot proceed with it unless she has the banks agreement.

Whereas once I would have been quaking in my boots ,head in my hands, defeated by fear and frustration I have,

·       Ignored the Merrils Ede letter in the belief they have only written to me because they feel vulnerable about the numerous complaints I have made to their regulatory authority resulting in very thorough and time consuming investigations of their staff and business practises 

·        Written back to Lloyds TSB in enormous print asking if they would like me to put all future requests for information in Braille in an effort to make it clear to them precisely what I would like from them

·        Told my allocated Financial Ombudsman adjudicator that I disagree with her decision to ask the Bank of Scotland for permission to proceed with my complaint and asked her to explain the thinking that led her to make this unusual propsal

I may not have learned everything there is to learn in the last three tempestuous years but, I have certainly gleaned, in the words of Bertrand Russell, “One of the symptoms of approaching a nervous breakdown is the belief that work is terribly important, and that to take a holiday would bring all kinds all kinds of disaster.” I took eleven days off to recharge debt fighting batteries that had been running at full pelt for almost three years.  I have returned from this welcome break having learnt that, not only will much of what has been going on in my life wait a few days to be resolved but, putting some distance between me and my sometimes overwhelming problems empowers me to take control of the situation more effectively and, in so doing, limit the stressful impact it has on my health.

Learning this lesson has not only rewarded me with a clearer head which hopefully in turn will deliver better results but, after  nearly three years of being completely bald due to stress related alopecia, it appears I am also to be rewarded with almost a full head of hair. At last it is finally showing signs of growing back. For this wonderful development I am truly grateful.

End of terms

My husband never speaks of what he sees, does or feels but only of what he knows. While hovering patiently on the edge of every conversation he listens with intent, void of any expression waiting for a prompt on which to hang his factual download. On finding his mark he pounces with a carefully assembled nugget of information and in an instant, the conversational flow is altered and his audience scrabbles to politely cover the seams.

If asked he would say he is good at social interaction.

I find it both isolating and frustrating that conversing in any other way is alien to him. He continues to treat any question as an effrontery to his integrity leaving me to struggle to understand why how far the airport parking is from the terminal is as an insult simply because he does not know the answer, or why enquiring as to the delivery date of the roaming simcard he has ordered is so contentious.

If asked, he would say that is I who am unable to solicit information without antagonism.

However, it is not his inclination to anger I struggle with most but his frequent and extended periods of silence along with his refusal to engage with any warmth at any time. Last night, at our children’s end of term school concert, was no exception.

The hot and humid summers evening promised to turn the school hall into a sauna but the discomfort that lay ahead did not deter the number of proud parents who decided to attend. Throughout an hour and half of musical recitals I repeatedly turned to my husband to share a smile at the remarkable expertise of the young artists. Not once did he return my glance in acknowledgement let alone reveal a flicker of a smile in return. It is this way I am continually denied the opportunity to share any mutual enjoyment. 

If asked why he behaved in this way he would simply reply that it was not the case and merely my perception.

So, this morning, I sit alone at my kitchen table while my husband occupies another room. My task today is to prepare the papers to wind up our insolvent property development company. Heritable Bank's administrators have now sold all our company assets and thankfully plan to write off our £209,000 company mortgage shortfall. This leaves me at liberty to finally put an end to our company's trading days without creditor objection. While folding the paperwork I consider what is to become of my marriage when my HBOS battle, our last remaining adversary, eventually reaches its conclusion in however many more years to come.

I cannot help but wonder if my husband's retreat into his emotionally impervious shell might have been halted had it not been for the heartless and negligent actions of the HBOS.  Unlike Heritable Banks administrators, HBOS have been unable to show compassion at anytime. Perhaps, my husband's demeanor might have been very different if they had at least allowed us to salvage our home when the economic crisis  turned our property portfolio of 4.5m with equity of £1,200,000 into an overall shortfall of £500,000.

It is during these episodes of loneliness that I begin to doubt my ability to keep my marriage alive and our family together throughout more years of HBOS harassment.  It has become clear to me that if I am unable to save my relationship and our family life, HBOS will have succeeded in taking all that we ever had and all that we had  ever hoped for, and not just our money.

Beat and retreat

During the past two years it has been difficult to remember happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but instead emerges from the recognition and appreciation what we do but these days, when anyone asks why I remained at my husband's side in the light of such adverse circumstances, I always say with conviction, “Because I am not prepared to lose any more than I already have”.Fully aware my life is far from perfect, I am regularly able to rejoice in the knowledge that, despite the constant prevailing and ill wind from HBOS I have succeeded in keeping my family together but it does not allow me to ignore ever emerging evidence of greed, irresponsible behaviour and double standards employed by Lloyds and HBOS

Annoyed it has proved necessary for Steve Baker to campaign for a parliamentary bill to force banks to prepare accounts reflecting a true and accurate illustration of their previous years trading, which have on occasion been as much twenty five million adrift, I have been nothing short of incensed to discover, despite insisting to me they never write off debt, HBOS have been doing precisiely this for the last two years for debts in Ireland amounting  to 7.2 billion. Yet still Eric Daniels, who has recently declared his remaining Irish loan book 54% impaired, has continued to see fit to ignore my personally addressed letters to him asking for debt forgiveness and instead, sanctioned Merrils Ede to crank up their persecution of me. While I am left crushed under a residential shortfall of £217,000, Eric Daniels has, in contrast, cunningly escaped from under Lloyds and HBOS’s own 289 billion shortfall, happily clutching his 1.45 million pound reward for failure on the back of scurrolous accounts and his “very good year” remark.

If HBOS had not forced the sale on our 16^th century tithe barn during our period of crisis in 2008, we too could have had a retirement to look forward to. Assuming we  sold up when my husband reached age 65 (twenty years hence), its anticipated value would be 3.2 million assuming an average annual compound growth of 7% and a current value of £800,000.  Even with a £795,000 mortgage to deduct and £27,000 of arrears we too could have been looking forward to a substantial lump sum to support us in our old dotage.

Some people may well be enjoying the benefit of HBOS and Lloyds “pray and delay” or “extend and pretend” policies while others appear to have experienced the relief of a “forgive and forget” write offs. For me however, it remains HBOS’s policy only to “beat and retreat” behind their Rottweilers at Merrils Ede Solicitors

And 

At present I am at a complete loss to fathom how I can ever change this.

The Emperor's New Clothes

On occasion I am asked why I exchanged a lucrative career in the Financial Services Industry for the life of a housewife and mother. I am uncomfortable when I am faced with no alternative but to explain as failure on any level does not sit well with me. Admitting that my health failed, albeit in a non life threatening way, when undiagnosed Hypothyroidism, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, twice weekly migraines, high blood pressure and Alopecia Totalis finally caught up with me at the age of forty is no exception. 

In 1998, on my GP's instructions, I walked away from a job which provided substantial returns in exchange for an unsustainable pace and instead I chose to spend the past twelve years living an "alternative" lifestyle in an effort to accommodate my physical shortcomings by way of a less stressful life. As a result my hair grew back, my blood pressure settled, I no longer fell asleep the moment I sat down and I was much happier knowing I had time to surcombe to bouts of ill health when they occurred.

In October 2008 this changed.

Forced by circumstance to once again endure unhealthily high levels of stress when I become a one woman debt fighting machine immediately highlighted my inadequacies. Within a matter of days it plunged me back into a regime of daily migraine, sudden weight loss, insomnia, panic attacks and chronic Alopecia. Managing these health issues while simultaneously trying acquire up to date knowledge of the financial services industry guidelines and regulations has made it all the more arduous to access my own rusty knowledge of the industry let alone retain it but despite the shackles of these infuriating limitations, I  remained committed to saving my family from the ongoing persecution of HBOS. To this end I have been exploring the world of finance via archived newspaper articles. During my research I came across the words of ex- HBOS risk management executive and whistleblower Paul Moore and was nothing short of astounded to discover just what HBOS had been up to.

Having already lost his job as a result of his attempts to warn the HBOS board their lending strategy was critically flawed, Mr Moore bravely ignored a gagging order to expose the relentlessly irresponsible behavior of his HBOS colleagues.  His revelations provided me with an extremely enlightening insight into how my husband was able secure the levels of borrowing he did and also explained the short-term financial motivation behind the board's endorsement of these economically dangerous lending policies. Coupled with the shockingly inadequate aspects of corporate and regulatory governance which permitted an HBOS sales culture specifically designed to harvest short term gain regardless of the cost to customers and shareholders to go unchecked, it became clear from what Moore was saying, it was not just our home and our financial future which had been steered towards the rocks by HBOS, but that of the economy as a whole.

Convinced even non bankers with no risk management expertise would recognize the pitfalls of lending “money to people who have no jobs, no provable income and no assets” Paul Moore firmly believes the current financial crisis has come about as a direct result of "an Emperor’s New Clothes attitude within HBOS”. He says anyone “not blinded by money, power and pride felt unable to speak up for fear of stepping out of line with the rest of the lemmings who were busy organizing themselves to run over the cliff edge” behind their sweet talking CEO. 

This was a complete revelation to me.

However, despite this newly acquired insight and amid widespread reports Lloyds/HBOS' new CEO Antonio Horta Osorio plans for "a new beginning", I am still left completely unable to comprehend why HBOS, now publicly exposed for their recklessness and under official investigation, has seen fit to instruct both their collections and their legal departments to hound my family for a £217,000 shortfall which they created, risking further scrutiny and investigation and yet more bad press.

An ancient Arabian proverb suggests, "There are many ways to recognize foolish behavior, anger without cause; speech without profit; change without progress; inquiry without object" and because HBOS and their henchmen continue to employ each and every one of these traits to hound and harass their victims for no logical reason, I can only conclude they remain committed to seeking counsel from fools in preference to heeding the wise words of their former head of corporate risk management, Paul Moore. 

This does not bode at all well for any of us.

Perceptions

Whilst I am unsurprised by Rupert Jones’s article in the Guardian stating FSA figures show property repossessions are on the increase, I am amazed twenty two people, who appear not to have been repossessed themselves, have commented so emotively on the subject. Even more remarkable is the fact only one person from the twenty two who had something to say laid any blame at the door of the banks.

If this cross section is anything to go by, the Guardian reading public feel the government and the banks have a lot to answer for but  ultimately it is the individual who is to blame if their houses are repossessed. The commenting public simply believe “chickens have come home to roost” for the irresponsible mortgagees who have over stretched themselves by purchasing houses they could not afford.  In more than one case these errant and homeless individuals are condemned for making a fuss over something which is not even a “life or death” matter and accused of having used yet more taxpayer’s money for personal “bailouts” of futile self created situations.

Financial self interest is well represented in these comments while only minimal amounts of sympathy, very little understanding and virtually no empathy are evident. Bearing in mind it is well documented most repossession cases come about as a direct result of loss of income, I find it extremely unpalatable to discover so many people feel at liberty to cast the first stone. I can only conclude this is because they feel secure in their belief losing a home through repossession is not something which happens to people like them.  I can only wonder if opinions might alter if they were aware of the following;

·        HBOS excluded me from all conversations about arrears on my jointly mortgaged home on the grounds that I am a married woman.

·        HBOS went to court to obtain a possession order for my home based on a report from an HBOS appointed debt counsellor with whom neither my husband nor I have ever had a consultation.

·        HBOS refused to discuss reduced payments or any other options when I discovered our arrears and instead applied for possession through the courts four weeks later.

·        HBOS refused to allow me to agree a three year tenancy for my house with a revenue stream which covered my mortgage interest.  This option was available six months prior to them forcing the sale of my home.

·        HBOS forced a sale on our family’s home of ten years while fully aware of my husband’s health, unresolved grief from the loss of both his brother and mother from Motor Neurone disease and subsequent failure of his business.

·        HBOS carried on with their plans to repossess in spite of knowing my husband was actively looking for employment since his business failed due to the economic recession and the demise of our business bank, Heritable.

·        HBOS turned a mortgage with ten months of arrears into a £217,000 shortfall.

·        HBOS seized a £150,000 share of the equity in my home they had no right to as they did not ensure I was advised to take independent legal advice from my husband when he raised capital against our home for business purposes.

·        HBOS destroyed any chance of capital recovery for us forever yet still feel they can make regular demands for repayment of a shortfall they created by their actions.

·        HBOS have continued to harass and victimised me for two and a half years over money they are fully aware we do not have.

I sit, as ever, in my kitchen wondering if the Guardian readership cross section is truly representative of the masses. If it is, what a shock the masses are going to receive if they, like me, fall foul of HBOS’s illogical, vindictive and discriminatory business practices. They say ones perception of any problem is determined entirely by where you are standing when you perceive it.  I hope those who have seen fit to sit in judgement of the less fortunate may see fit to review their stance when they learn of my experiences at the hands of HBOS,

but,

I won't be holding my breath.

Father's Day

Yesterday I took my children to shop for Father’s Day gifts and guided them towards three suitable purchases within our budget.  Feeling no resentment towards the penny watching regime which has become second nature to us all, I took pride in making sure they understood the value of a thoughtful gift, however small.  We came away with a bargain priced family DVD, a bag of popcorn and a New Scientist magazine. I knew all these item prove more than acceptable to my husband who, since our financial demise, would not dream of buying anything for himself.  I delighted in the joy and the excitement on my children’s faces in their anticipation of the act of giving and the pleasure their gifts would bring to the recipient. 

As with any celebratory day in our household, the children were unable to contain themselves and arrived at our bedroom door bright and early.  I watched my husband carefully unwrap his gifts and discuss its merits with each child without any outward signs of his pleasure and while the children were unphased by his reserve, I struggled to suppress an overwhelming sense of grief for the absence of warmth in his actions towards us.  Oblivious to his inanimate facade, the children quickly moved onto other things secure in the familiarity of family life.  I, on the other hand, was left to talk myself out of the anti climax which always goes hand in hand with my husband’s lack of emotive reaction to anything.

I have attempted to rectify this obstacle in our relationship many times by.

· Explaining how difficult it is for me to live without engagement of this nature, His response has been either, it is just my perception and not at all how he is or I am an excessively needy person and this is a failing in me not him.

· Asking for a smile or a verbal response but in these instances I am told that either my questions are rhetorical and require no answer or he has no inclination to grin like a banshee at my behest.

· Trying to ignore this trait. However, I often feel resentful and deprived of what I perceive as his side of what should be two way communication within our marriage.

On days when I am sure I am deserving of a smile or some warmth, I grieve silently for the lack of it. These days, my face will often mirror the inanimate nature of his as we go about our lives in silence and, on occasion, when my grief turns to anger, I demand to know if he has heard me say how brightly the sun is shining or how well the children have settled at school but my outburst are not pleasant for either of us.

I know my husband does not refuse engagement with me out of malice but his ignorance of his actions and his refusal to consider the long term consequences of this lack of intimacy regularly renders my heart heavy and while I understand the impact of our ongoing precarious financial position has already taken its toll on the fragile ego of this shy and sensitive man, I can see behind his deadpan expression that the three year battering at the hands of our creditors has left him a legacy of shame for his part in it.

Sadly, despite my best efforts, it is on days like these I realise the task of rebuilding our marriage is likely to outstrip the difficulties I am currently experiencing trying to rebuild our lives financially and although I have always subscribed to the, "Whether you think you can or whether you think you can’t, either way you are right" fraternity, today, on our seventeenth Father Days together, 

I simply don’t know what to think or what to do.

Wisdom and Virtue

Although they say wisdom is knowing what to do next and virtue is doing it, I am hoping this week proves wisdom is also about knowing what not to do next.

During the last week I have made the decision not to do quite a lot.

•  I refused to have another Friends meeting purely to update the committee on how things are progressing with the Summer Ball. I made this decision on the basis that, had some members of the committee been helping me in the first place, they would not be in need of updating.  The consequence of making this decision has been to acquire some much needed time to complete some vital Ball related tasks only a handful of us stalwarts are prepared to progress.
• I declined our business banks proposal for us to enter an IVA to prevent the Bank of Scotland’s continued harassment. I did this on the basis I could not bring myself to do anything which would allow the Bank of Scotland’s heartless behaviour towards my family’s plight to go unnoticed. By making this decision I have, for the first time in three years, acquired a sense of dignity and purpose. By choosing to turn the tables on our oppressor it will be me taking the Bank of Scotland to task rather than them preying on my vulnerability.  
• I did not accept the Inland Revenues Capital Gains Tax calculations for back taxes owed over the last ten years.  I asked them to recalculate in the hope they would see my point view because I could not believe reason would not ultimately win the day.  After a two year battle I am relieved to report this has been the case. Being successful in this instance has given me a confidence in my abilities I have never enjoyed before. I cannot help but regard this by product as an immensely silvery lining to a very dark cloud which has hung over me for some time.
•  I have resisted, on behalf of my thirty year old daughter, the temptation to accept a job offer for less than the maximum advertised.  Knowing her prospective employers had advertised the pay at a higher amount, I could not see why my daughter should accept any less when she was offered the job.  By not jumping at their first proposal, my daughter secured a 6% pay increase as well as better hours from her new employers.
•  I have also refused to listen to any more of my lodger Darryl’s self obsessed hard luck stories.  Logic dictates, as I have never had trouble finding tenants in the past, I should easily be able to improve on Darryl in the future. Within twenty four hours of making this decision I achieved my objective and have given Darryl his marching orders.  This means I will no longer have to root out stinking fish from Darryl’s kitchen cupboard, wash unmentionable stains from his bedding or witness his excrement deposits on my cream carpets.

I cannot think of a better way to end the week!

Rottweiler's Incorporated

In recognising how hard it is to change oneself it should be easier to understand what little chance there is of changing others. However, this said, should an observation of this nature apply to the perspective of a whole bank and all those employed within it? Is it feasible for one biligerent school of thought to extend, with infectious brainwashing tentacles, into the consciousness of all those individuals commissioned do the Bank of Scotland’s bidding. Is it really possible for an unpleasant mind set on such a scale to be alive and well in the minds of every individual in a company so large?

Today, within the walls of the Bank of Scotland, I am convinced it is.

Despite the numerous letters I have written requesting I be advised be of their instruction to debt collecting solicitors Merrils Ede’s, Bank of Scotland's reply has not been forthcoming.  Although Merrils Ede solicitors know, through our representative at the Citizen’s Advice Bureau, I am unlikely ever to be in a position to repay any of our creditors, still they persist with their campaign of persecution with the Bank of Scotland’s blessing.

Today the postman brought a threat from Merrils Ede to start legal and bankruptcy proceedings if they do not hear from me within 10 days. They wish me to provide yet more financial evidence to prove I still don’t have any money.  It is clear the full financial fact find, certified by the CAB, and repeatedly sent to them has clearly proven insufficient again.  Regardless of the fact the Office of Fair Trading state this kind of harassment is contrary to their guidelines, the henchwoman at Merrils Ede continues with her crusade to uncover my "undeclared wealth". On their website they proudly state their debt collecting services regard money owed "like their own" and it goes on to say they pursue “can’t pay’s” in the same way as” won’t pays”.  I can certainly endorse this behaviour as the solicitor assigned to my case refuses to accept having no money is a good enough reason for not making a payment arrangement.

The fact  Merrils Ede has been made aware, on numerous occasions, our £217,000 shortfall is unrecoverable appears to be irrelevant. I am now being pursued by them because the CAB recently told them a great many of our creditors have written off and continue to write of our debts on the basis of hardship and compassion. The CAB did this in an effort to persuade the Bank of Scotland to follow suit, however, using only Rottweiler reasoning, the Merrils Ede henchwoman believes debts being forgiven must have resulted in some additional disposable income for her to direct into the Bank of Scotland's and Merrils Ede’s coffers.

I ask myself , “Is it really so hard to understand the reason so many of our debts have been forgiven is not because we have been paying anyone, but  because we have been unable, and continue to be unable, to make any payments to any of our creditors?” How can having a sum written off in these circumstances leaves anything more in the budget for Rottweiler’s incorporated?

This logicless pursuit is undoubtedly a breach of any number of OFT and Ombudsman guidelines and the ongoing bombardment of menacing letters from the Bank of Scotland’s legal representative is yet another source of agitation in a life full of financial instability and pressure. Moreover, Ms Rottweiler's refusal to believe my unredeemable financial position, is nothing short of insulting. 

Tonight, however, I plan to take solace in the words of Pope John XXIII and tomorrow....... well tomorrow, as with every day, I plan to fight back.

"Consult not your fears but your hopes and your dreams. Think not about your frustrations, but about your unfulfilled potential. Concern yourself not with what you tried and failed in, but with what it is still possible for you to do. "- Pope John XXIII

Passionate beliefs

I am told to believe in something passionately is the way in which to make it a reality and conceptualising in this way has been the driving force for my continued attempts to piece our lives back together. While frequently advised to throw the bankruptcy towel into the arena by those without the constitution for tumultuous seas, I have refused to allow lending sharks to pick over the bones HBOS have already stripped bare because,

• I believe passionately financial institutions should not lend residential mortgage   money to those with £446,000 outstanding on credit cards.
• I believe passionately banks should not advance £3,500,000 in commercial mortgages without evidence of taxable income and assets.
• I believe passionately it is negligent for lenders to ask wive's to sign away a family home to support a husband's business without illustrating how they have assessed payment affordability.
• I believe passionately it is irresponsible for a bank to instruct the conveyance of a family home without giving a wife independent advice.
• I believe passionately it is unacceptable for a creditor to lay siege to a woman and her children in her home, until such time as the police arrive, with sub machine guns, wearing riot gear, to remove them.
• I believe passionately it is unacceptable for any family to be hounded by phone and threatened by debt collection agencies who pretend they don't know the financial position of the vulnerable despite hundreds of letters to the contrary.
• I believe passionately it is unacceptable for any man to borrow £17,000 from the parents of his children's school friends.
• I believe passionately it is unacceptable for any man to borrow £65,000 from his and his wife's family.
• I believe passionately it is unacceptable for any man to secure the equity in his step daughter's and grand children's home against a business debt.
• I believe passionately it is unacceptable for any man to sign documents which will give  unpaid tradesmen the authoriy to take away gifts made to his wife from her parents.
• I believe passionately it is unacceptable for any man to tell anyone he can afford to  pay them when he does not know how he will achieve this.
• I believe passionately it is unacceptable for any man under any circumstances to keep all of the above from his wife with lies.
• I believe passionately it is unacceptable for any man to go to any lengths to avoid taking responsibilities for his actions and instead choosing to blame others.
• I believe passionately it is unacceptable for any man to lead his whole family to the edge of a financial precipice without asking them if they wish to go there.
• I believe passionately it is unacceptable for any man to pretend he has his difficulties in hand in order to avoid losing face.

But I also believe passionately,

•  No man should be hounded by creditors to the point of suicide.
• No man should lose his brother (age 44) and his mother (age 67) to Motor Neurone Disease three weeks apart. 

 And above all else I believe passionately

• No child should be forced to grow up without a father as consequence of having financial difficulties.

It is for these reasons I am still here and for these reasons I continue to fight back.... passionately.