I remember reading somewhere there are no limits to an individual’s fascination for themselves and with this in mind I find myself wondering if it is a self-obsession which drives me to continue to blog about my life. Having given this concept some consideration, I have come to the conclusion my motivation has less to do with me than it has to do with my determination to piece my family's life back together. In the last week two things have happened which have made me feel I might, at last, be making some headway in this respect.
The first was a conversation with Ian Fraser whose supportive words gave me a very welcome sign my rantings on the subject of the Bank of Scotland have been heard. It was an encouraging indication I might have finally acquired a voice and it offered me hope of eventually being more than a mere whisper to a hand full of much valued friends.
The other major development was my husband not only mustered a smiled in my direction but also initiated several conversations with me which were not about the weather. Any attempt at meaningful conversation on his part recently is a huge breakthrough in what has amounted to a debt related marital silence which has lasted for more than two and a half years. I am not sure what has instigated this subtle move from cool to slightly warm but I know he was asked a question by my twelve year old daughter which might have been the catalyst.
She simply wanted know if he loves me and it is my suspicion it may well be this very question, asked in childish innocence which has promoted a shift in his overall disposition. This, along with his awareness now, unlike any other time during our seventeen year marriage, I am either tapping away on my computer or engaged in a variety of activities which are totally independent of him. Perhaps these small changes in me have at last awakened a realisation some interactive effort is required on both sides if he wishes to remain a presence in my life. Who knows what has prompted this change in my husband but whatever the motivation, a little bit of long awaited warmth has been a pleasing occurrence.
So, with these two developments firmly in mind I continue to be hopeful my perceptions are real and not instead illusions which all too often collide with reality only to be dashed to pieces again along with my expectations.