Thursday, 24 March 2011

Hear No Evil, See No Evil

On receipt of yet another fatuous reply to my request for debt forgiveness, I wrote to Lloyds TSB to enquire if their continued unaffordable requests for a payment arrangement from my husband's £11,987 salary as a retail warehouseman, were in  fact a covert bid to securing funding for my husband's business debts via the proceeds of ill gotten gains. Assuming this was indeed their objective, I assured them, I had left no revenue producing stone unturned since the onset of our financial demise and went on to explain why some of the less mainstream avenues open to us, which would normally be more likely to associated with a more underground approach to business, would still leave us unable to repay an alleged £900,980 of unsecured debt.
Selling my kidney on the black market.

Having explored this option via the Internet it seemed unlikely raising capital in this manner would produce much more than £5,000 per kidney and, as my husband and I would need at least one kidney each if we were to remain functioning members of society for several more years to come, I felt £10,000 didn't not provide a sufficient return to allay a million pounds worth of creditors. I explained it was for this reason plans of this kind been had abandoned.
Sex industry
Alternatively, if Lloyds hoped I might instead make a killing in this industry, I felt bound to point out I had spotted some major flaws in a marketing strategy of this kind. To begin with I am a fifty three year old housewife and mother, and although I am told I was quite something in my youth, I am now completely bald from stress related Alopecia and frequently look haggard, grey faced and much older than my years because of the unrelenting financial pressure I am now under from creditors. Furthermore, I felt it only fair to make it perfectly clear, my body after giving birth to five children, was most unlikely to be a lucrative vehicle from which to reap the rewards they seemed to be anticipating.
Hoping at the very least for a little humour in reply I was, needless to say, disappointed to find I was merely thanked in the usual neutral tones for taking the time to explain our circumstances and then asked, in very large type, if I would like all future correspondence in braille.

When asked what one must do if people can't hear you my three year old grandson said. "You have to shout louder."  Sadly for me I am unconvinced this tactic will ever work for me when I can only conclude from personal experience that Lloyds Banking Group are deaf and now, on top of all their other misconceptions, they appear to believe I'm blind!

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